Rolling down the river

We got to take advantage of probably one of the last few warm days of the year and went canoeing. This was the girls first time being out so they were excited and nervous. 

It was a little chilly on the water so I rummaged through their closet to find "water" proof warm clothes.  

We all had a blast all seven hours on the water plus no one got dunked so that right there was an amazing feat. I had to jump out of the canoe a couple of times to get us off a gravel bar, but it wasn't bad. We even hit some small rapids. 

I think the kids favorite part besides the rapids was that we rescued a kitten and took it to dry land. It was a very sweet little thing, but we could only do so much being out on the water. 

Everyone was wore out at the end of the trip. We made a pit stop on the way home to fill our empty bellies. 

It was a great family Sunday together. 

High five

Tracey has started readying the Twilight
Series. We may not see her for the next few
weeks. 

*There are quiet moments right before bed where the girls are involved with last minute school work or a small fun activity. It makes the moments before they have to get into bed very enjoyable and I love being able to look at them to watch them grow and not have to worry about where they are going to sleep anymore. A month and a half later I'm still smiling from elation that they are finally here and it's actually official and on court documents. 

*Last night was the first night in three days that I was able to get a good night of sleep. I didn't sleep for two nights and then only slept for 4.5 on one night. I think Dustin could tell that I was exhausted because around 8:15 he told me to go ahead and take my medicine.



*My officemate and I are two goofy people. And when you get us together.....this is what you might walk in on. She has three teenage daughters and we poke fun at them and their goofy poses. Oh yea we rock.

*I came home from work the other day and had this waiting for me. Dustin and Dustin were out back talking and the other Dustin picked this up for me. After the week that I've had I really appreciated this be sat down in front of me.

* This is just the teeny tiny mountain of paper work that I'm going through. My office now has enough room where I can make stacks to help keep them organized before shipping them off to be filed.

A letter to my daughters

*I originally wrote this letter to Tracey after we had a rough night where she had a hard time explaining her emotions. After much consideration, I decided to make this letter to the both of them.*

To my babies:

I know that I did not give birth to you, but you are my children. You are my motivation to be successful and my drive to keep pushing when I want to give up. I love the peacefulness about you in the moments right before I wake you up for school. You roll over still sleepy eyed and wrap your arms around my neck to give me a hug and tell me I love you. I love coming home everyday to hear about the things that you learned, sitting down with you and "helping" you do your homework, and sitting down as a family for dinner.

I am so proud of both of your accomplishments that you have achieved so far this year. I cannot say how PROUD I am enough. I'm beyond proud to be your step-mom, and experience this with you. You are both so talented in your own ways. I hope that you are able to see those talents and grow from them.

I'm not perfect. This journey that we are on right now won't be either. Things won't always be the easy road for us. We aren't always going to see eye to eye. I'm getting used to the glares, the eye rolls, and the days where you hate me. But no matter HOW much you may not want me around some days, I will still be here for YOU. You both may try and push my buttons, and push each others buttons to the point where you start to scream at each other. But that doesn't take away from the fact that what I do is to help guide you for a future that you can be successful.

I'm excited to watch the both of you grow up into young ladies. I'm excited about teaching you things about being a respectable woman, about make up tips, showing you how to shave your legs. I will be in the stands watching you at for first sporting event. I may even embarrass you on that day because I will be so excited for you. I'll be that step-mom who is waiting up watching the front door as you come in from your first solo date. (That's not to say your dad won't be sitting outside with a watchful eye).

I don't want to take the place of your mom. That role is already filled by your mom. While she's not made the greatest choices in life recently, the greatest choice she did make was to have you. She's not a bad person, she's just made some mistakes that could have seriously hurt you. For her to let you two move up here is a huge step for her. So for the time right now, I am doing my best as your step-mom. I'm not going to know what to do in every scenario. I'm still learning, but I'm never going to give up on you.

I know you both have had so many promises made to you and sometimes broken. But while you are living up here with dad and me, here is what I can promise to you:.
1. I promise to give you a safe home. A place where you can have a roof over your head, a place that is warm and shelters you from the outside, a comfortable place that you can lay your head at night. I want this place to be a place where you can grow, that you can make your own, and have a place to be a kid.

2. I promise to give you a nurtured life. I want to give you the clothes, food, necessities that you need in life to have a promising future.

3. I promise to you to love you both unconditionally. To wipe away your tears when you are hurting, to laugh along side of you, and to hug your when you are scared.

4. I promise to you to celebrate the memories. No matter how small they are. I want to make those memories last for ever so that you can replace bad memories with the good ones.

I love you both, and I am in this for the long haul. You are my kids and I would walk to the ends of the Earth to give you what you need. Life's going to have some rough patches, but we are going to make it through this storm. TOGETHER.

D

Sunday afternoons

It's been a couple of weeks since the last cookout but we met up with a friend for a Sunday afternoon grilling festivity. The weather was perfect. I had to bring work along so I could be productive. 

It's one of the last few times that we will get to hang out for the year. One Jeremy is getting ready to head off to the marine corp. 

But also the weather is starting to get cooler and it requires more indoor gatherings versus hanging outside next to the grill 

My first tooth pulling

I am keeping dinner down for now but I survived my first tooth pulling 

Smells of the season

Windows and doors are wide open, breeze is blowing, and I have candles burning. The warmth of vanilla, crisp apple, and cider is filling the air. 

It makes me want to stay curled up with a movie all day and forget the weeks events. There is something about fall that just feels comfortable. 

High Five for Friday!

I had my first cup of HOT coffee for the fall season this morning. Oh it was so good. Warm and rich and blissful. Just all around delicious. I can't wait for payday again. I'm going to splurge and get a pumpkin spice latte, but more importantly fall flavors of creamers are starting to roll out! Pumpkin coffee all the time! Woo hoo!

It's been a super nice week, weather wise, cool morning temps and warm afternoons. As much as I love summer time, fall is my all time favorite season. It's just all about comfort to me. Pumpkin spice lattes (which I have yet to get one), apples, warm colors, and snuggles. It just makes me feel calm inside. 

I found a show on netflix that I have started to watch, "Life Unexpected." It's a couple of years old, but I am really enjoying it. I tilt my kindle up and I watch some of it while I get ready in the morning. It's witty, has a realistic background, and it's not the normal storyline.

With the beginning of fall also means it's the beginning of Halloween season. Bring on the spooky decorations!!! I think a couple of co-workers are planning a group outing after work to go to a haunted house. I'm probably one of the biggest babies you will ever meet with haunted houses. The last time I went into one I came out feeling like I had things crawling in my hair.

I went to the doctor yesterday for a med check and to get new scripts on my medications. I wish all appointments went as fast as that one did. I was only in there for MAYBE 5 minutes. The doctor was pleased with how I'm doing with my medications and likes the fact that I haven't had a serious anxiety attack since April. With that he told me I don't have to go back to see him for three months. I'm excited because I can feel a difference. I'm happy again. I do have my down moments, but that's all they are, moments. They aren't weeks or months where I wished my life away. I love living now.

Millions of questions, questions for me

I'm pretty open about my anxiety and my depression, why hide the truth when everyone already knows? Last night at dinner we were sitting around and I was taking about how I would be going to work late because I had a doctor's appointment. 

Well this spurred a series of 20 questions from the kids. They are the only ones who I haven't really opened up to about this. 

I explained to them that I have to take a pill everyday so that I'm not so sad and to help me not be nervous all the time. They of course asked why I felt this way.( I ask myself this all the time. )

They kind of have a better understanding why I have to take a pill every day to be happy. I wish if didn't have to do this, but sometimes a little help IS needed. 

I'm thankful that I was able to open up to them and make it to where they could understand what depression is. I would hate to go back to the dark place I was once at. 

Healthy start to my day

I recently started and joined the Greek yogurt fad. It's super tasty and I prefer it over regular yogurt. I like to pair it with cereal or granola for some added stuff. With my busy schedule I am usually starving by the time 11 gets around so this helps by being a healthy option and keeps me feeling less hungry till at least 12-1330. It's also portable. So I'm able to throw it all into my lunch box and run out the door after the kids are on the bus. Love having convenient options. 

Breathe in breathe out

After yesterday I was afraid of how today was going to start out. The weather was perfect. Not going to say the start of the day was perfect because there were a few minor bumps in the routine, but so far not bad. 

I realize I'm going to have bad days. I did before I became a mom. I just can't let those bad days consume me like I used to. I have a family who needs me to be me. I know everybody has a bad day every now and then, no body's perfect. 

All the wrongs from yesterday will work themselves out. I didn't spill week old Mt. Dew on me this morning as I was getting in my car for starters. That's a win. 

I still have an overwhelming sense of anxiousness today, but I think my that's part of my "disease" taking hold. I just have to stay positive. 

I didn't get to tell the interweb readers that I got two hours of "me" time on Saturday. Two hours of uninterrupted time for me to sit back and enjoy for myself. Two hours where I didn't have to be a referee, magician, disciplinarian. Two hours for me to get out and do something just for me. I know this sounds extremely selfish. And it probably is. But the truth is, I haven't had any time alone, except on my commute to and from work by myself since the kids have gotten here. While many parents are reading that statement and thinking, you have NO idea what you're talking about, I do...... kind of. 

Sometimes someone just needs to take the time to step back and breathe and that's what those two hours were for me. Being a parent is hard. Being a stepparent is hard too. 

There are days where it feels like the kids would be better off if I just disappeared. But then there are those moments where they wrap their arms around my neck and saying thank you or I love you. At that moment everything just seems to stop just for a few seconds. 

monday blues

ever have one of those monday's where it seems like if one thing goes wrong, the whole day just is going to (s'cuse my language) blow?

that's how today has been. it's been one of those days where i wish i didn't get out of bed this morning. one of those days where i wish i could have stayed curled up with the blankets and tucked in tight all day.

i'm hoping that after i get through teaching that it will be a better day, and that seeing dustin and the kids will give me an enjoyable evening. because right now this superhero is having a bad, horrible, absolutely awful, no good day.

Love

It's rare but I got him to smile. I don't know what it is but he has my heart. I probably don't tell him enough how much I lurve him but he gets me through some pretty tough times. 

These two are my kids. They are extremely talented and find a way to make me smile each and every day. They push every last button and make me want to cry but I wouldn't change having them living here. I am beyond proud of whAt they have accomplished in the past month. 

High Five For Friday!

This week has been long. But I have pushed through and I'm out on top this week.

Take that crappy days!

Even though the early part of this week started out pretty crappy, I made the best of it and I'm still smiling today. The kids are adjusting more smoothly this week and Tracey was accepted into another art program at school. I'm super proud mom for her being recognized in her artwork. Dustin and I are getting more involved with Meagan so that she's not so bored after school, this is helping with her energy that's built up. And the kids got to talk to their mom after not hearing from her in over a month.

With all of that being said here is MY High Five for Friday:
1.

My Birchbox came in on Wednesday and I got a new nail polish in it. It's not my normal pink, coral, red combination that I generally gravitate towards. But I'm kind of digging the purple. It's unexpected and it adds a different kind of pop in color.













2.

 The other day after I had a vent session with my mom she gave me a stack of coupons. I LOVE get really super excited use coupons with every grocery trip. If I don't have a coupon, I will buy generic or find something else that is on sale. Well anyways, I very rarely go out to eat for breakfast. It's just one of those things that I generally pass up to save a couple of dollars here and there. Anyways, my mom had tucked in a couple of additional coupons for a free Wendy's breakfast combo meal. I tried it out yesterday and was not let down. It was a great start to the day!








3.

 I'm addicted to the sample boxes. I hate going to the store and buying make up. It's one of those things that I never got super excited about. With Ipsy, Birchbox, and Beauty Box 5 they have been doing the dirty work for me. I got my Ipsy box yesterday in the mail and I couldn't wait to try out three of the items in the box. What you see is a white/cream eyeshadow, a nice smooth eye liner, and new mascara. I'm digging all three and I think that it makes my eyes pop a little more. I also used the eye smoothing and soothing cream that came in my Beauty Box 5. Not 100% sold on it yet, I think I'll be able to give a more accurate description next week.






4.

 I have been feeling cramped at work lately. I'm in an extremely small office with a co-worker. While we work in an office that is surrounded by windows, we have to keep the blinds shut. Prime example as to why. The other day we were having a conversation and she looks over and says "D look behind you." Of course I'm going to look behind me and sure enough a sight that CANNOT be unseen. Right there in plain sight was an older gentleman taking a poop. YES POOP!!!!! Right outside my window. I was mortified. I banged on the window and that startled him even more. I seriously think I may have scared the poop out of him even more. He scurried and tried to pull up his pants, which were covered in fecal matter. Not really sure if that was there before or after he was seen. The joys of working at a community college in the heart of downtown. Needless to say, the rearrangement of the office now provides me a better view AND it has opened up the office some more so it doesn't look as small.

5.
                                                                                                    This booklet right here has been a huge stressor in my life this week. As part of our teaching curriculum we had to incorporate a section of financial literacy into our coursework. HOLY CRAP this was the worst section of my life! Not only am I not comfortable about teaching captial, savings, credit cards (I'm paying off debts from my own stupidity from when I graduated college) but there is NO interesting way to make this information fun to learn this stuff. I made powerpoints and incorporated activities and tried to keep the classes engaged, but it was hard. Yesterday we wrapped up our lectures on this material and I can finally breathe again. THANK YOU JEEBUS!!!!





Overall it's been a fairly slow week, just feels like it's taken forever to get to Friday. But today is here and we are going to have absolutely AMAZING weather this weekend. Have a fabulous time ya'll.                                                                                      

My decision

Since I was 12 I have always told people that I didn't want to have kids of my own.  I did not find pushing a thing out of my vagina appealing. It's not that I didn't want to be a mom I just wasn't fascinated by the "miracle" of giving birth to a human. The whole thing freaked me out and to this day makes my stomach turn.

I have enough issues stuff going on with the lady bits that as long as I have been having aunt flo, I've exclaimed to the high heavens how much I wanted to get rid of the "stuff" and by "stuff" I mean the innards.....also known as the uterus. 

Being that I am a healthy woman with a perfectly good uterus....I'm not able to donate those bits and pieces to a lady who would be able to use it. I have several friends who I would give it to in a heartbeat so that they would be able to have a child of their own without alternative means. I sometimes feel selfish because they have been going through so much just to have a child they can call their own. I feel like an asshole when I talk about "my" kids and all these women out there are wanting is to be able to have their own chance at motherhood. 

I feel like a jerk for posting pictures of my family when there are many women out there who have yet to experience that emotion of being a mom. Over the past couple of years more and more of my friends are falling to the horrible emotions of miscarrying or infertility.

Trust me friends if it were possible I would give you my holding cell for a baby so that you could use it more so than I have a need for. Seriously it is just hanging out with spiderwebs. Whenever I see someone post another post that they lost a baby I feel like the biggest piece of dirt after I post something that my kids have done.

I never wanted to be a mom because I never thought I would be strong enough to ever love another human being. Over the past three years, going through the struggles that I have trying to get custody of the kids has shown me what loving a child unconditionally is like.

Rawr

This totally indicated my mood this afternoon. I love visiting mum at work for a small vent session. This was fitting as I was fishing for a tootsie roll pop 

Homework for the masses

Anybody have thoughts they can share?

I'm in the market for a reasonably priced laptop.

Here's what I am looking for:

Small and portable
Blogging
Reading material on Blackboard
YouTube Videos
Typing notes for classes

Basically with being an adjunct instructor I need something that I can take with me between home and the classroom to work on my lesson plans, grading, writing emails to my students, but I also need something that I can rely on to work on the classes that I am taking. I need something that won't take 20 minutes to switch from page to page.

I've been looking at the chromebook that is out right now. I like the pricetag of this acer at $199

But.....
I love the sleek look of this chromebook by Samsung. It's not TOO much more ($249) than the Acer, but it's lighter and would be perfect for portability.



Of course i would love to be able to have the MacBook Air

I just can't fathom spending $1000 right now. Not like my budget would ever allow me to ever do it. It's just one of those bucket list items that I like to drool over.

Can anyone give any input on the chromebooks?

Family bonding

We went to one of the parks up here to expel some of the kids energy. It was nice to go on a trail and walk around a lake and then play on a playground for awhile. 

My new going out

Y'all are missing out on an intense game of hopscotch jussayin

Have you seen my cape?

The past month I have learned A LOT about myself. I'm learning the art of time management and balancing work life and family life. I'm so thankful for a job that gives me some flexibility that allows me to work around the kids schedule. I'm thankful for a partner who not only is an amazing father to his daughters, but is an amazing support system. I didn't think I could fall in love with him anymore than I did, but this experience of being full time parents shows me how much love this man has. I'm so thankful to have to kids who are so loving and talented. We have had the ups and downs over the past few weeks but my love for these children grows more everyday. I hope that they know how much I would do for them. With everything that I'm learning I feel like moms around the world need superhero capes. 

Super High Five For Friday!!

This week is no secret that its been a little rough around the edges. Today, although still early, has given me time to be thankful for what I have been given and not focus in on the negative. 

1. 

Last night my books for my classes arrived. My criminal law book was the wrong one and it put me in a panic. This morning I collected myself and went to the bookstore and they had one more book left AND it was available to rent! Can I get a heck yes!!!! 

2. 

Going back to school is NO joke. The second time around working towards a completely new degree is insane. I am often wondering if what I'm doing is the right thing. It is. I have always wanted to study and pursue something in the criminal justice field. This is my time to do this! I'm setting an example for my girls to see that hard work will pay off. 

3. 

I was deemed supervisor of AWESOME at work. Yes that is a disco ball. I felt awesome and even used it in my class for my pop quiz. 

4. 

The weather this week has been amazing!!!! The beginning of the week was cool in the mornings and warmed up by the afternoon, for it being September it couldn't be more perfect. 

5. 

Both kids are still loving school! They are adjusting as well as can expected and they are making new friends in the apartment complex. That's great for them because I can make them o play for a little bit and I can get some homework knocked out of the way while its quiet. 

Every bad thing has a silver lining. And I'm determined to make the best out of a crap-tastic situation. 

Oh! This is an extra little fluff for Friday. But this guy is my work bestie. He's interviewing for a new position. 

I think he's got the job in the bag. 

I hate to say this but.....

Coming to work sometimes feels like a fresh breathe of air. It's a small break from the chaos at my house.

From the time that I wake up to the time that I literally fall into bed I'm going. I'm still getting used to hairdresser, makeup artists, chef extraordinaire, homework hotline, crafting master, queen of laundry services, linen service, bus boy, lunch lady,and the nurse jobs that I take on every day.

Some days I really don't know how other moms do this.

But here I am tying a knot at the end of my rope and I'm making a swing. Life is crazy right now. But I'm skillfully learning the art of time management, one second at a time.

Hitting a brick wall with my face

Not literally.

But that's what today feels like. Both kids have had a cold since Friday. Kids love to share their germs. And share they did. I'm on day 2 with a sore/scratchy throat. I'm trying to be proactive about the germs and make minimal contact, but when you work in a job where hand shaking and being interactive with students you kind of have to throw all rules out the window. I cancelled my class last night in hopes that I would be better, I am compared to yesterday, but I'm just drained. I'm trying to decide if this is a cold coming on or if my allergies are flaring up. My personal opinion is that it is just allergies.

It's been three weeks and two days since the kids have talked to their mom. It's not from a lack of our part. Dustin has called, the kids have called, and they've even texted. All with no response. The kids are starting to feel the effects from that too. I had them write their mom a letter and I mailed it in hopes that they would get something. Right now we are still waiting. Waiting for a hi, leave me alone, I can't take this, something, anything.

I was hoping that this wouldn't happen and that the kids wouldn't feel this way. I've heard them say that they think mommy doesn't want them anymore. Dustin and I have our work cut out and explain to them that mommy does want them and that she will always be their mommy.

I need strength to get me through this. Or a lot of starbucks. No really I need strength. Watching a child just scream out because she is so angry and another who has nightmares because she feels abandoned makes you feel helpless when you don't know what to do.

The kids know that they are loved and that they are in a much better environment. But that doesn't change the fact that their mom is void right now and they are wanting to fill that void. Meagan calls me mom from time to time or makes the comment that I am "the best mom in the world." As much as it is flattering and a term of endearment, my position is not to take the place of their mom. I'm here to be a role model, a mother-like figure, but not mom. Even if I were to ever gain legal guardianship I dont think that mom would ever be a suitable name when I'm so used to them calling me by my first name.

Happy birthday to my momma!

She has been my rock, savior, confidant, pillow, and role model. The only person who knows exactly how to talk me down from a severe anxiety attack. She pushes me to succeed and celebrates every triumph that I encounter. She has been through every breakup and fight. She has wiped away countless tears. Momma I know you won't read this unless I make you. But I hope you have a wonderful day today. Loves you bunches mums! 

This is a hard job

Today was definitely a test of will. If it wasn't both kids fighting with each other it was the attitudes and the smart mouths. I wanted to leave just so I could have a few minutes of no fighting, crying, or yelling. Moms out there mad props to ya! Today was rough 

I need mommy advice!

This weekend both kids have been pretty much stuck inside because they came home with colds. The added indoor time has proven to be a little too much close time for each other.

The past two days attitudes have really surfaced and annoyance is getting the best of them. Tracey is at the stage where playing with her little sister isn't as fun as it used to be. Meagan is still in the imagination stage so playing with dolls and games are still interesting to her.

Today both girls were playing with their American Girl dolls and having a good time. They were laughing and enjoying their time together. Next thing I know I'm hearing screams and wailing from both girls coming from their bedroom. I go in there and they were fighting. Geez girls are fiesty. They were clawing, biting, and pinching each other to the point where it was about to draw blood.

I sat both girls down and tried to get the story as to what happened, and I just got more arguing. I'm not the best disciplinarian out of the two so my solution is to sit them in time out and make them think it out. Normally I will follow the age/minute rule. You know 1 year=1 minute, but today I feel requires something longer because there was physicalness going on between the two.

Over the course of the weekend I have heard so much how much each sister hates one another. And today, I have heard that Tracey wants to move back to her moms. Both girls are still sitting in time out. I'm making them write each other apology letters and why they do not hate their sister. I told them that they had to continue to sit in time out until their dad got home to talk to them.

My question for the moms out there...hopefully you can give this step mom some advice (I hope). What's a suitable punishment for an 8 and 10 year old who have so much anger built up that they result in fighting each other? Is this normal?

This is definitely one of the areas where I am lost when it comes to figuring out what to do. I now feel sorry for what I put my mom through as a kid.