Reality fades into darkness

I have a hard time sleeping.....so much so that I have to take a small dose of a sleeping pill to help me sleep. I enjoy the fact that I can sleep and wake up the next morning feeling somewhat rested, versus laying in bed every night worrying, tossing, turning, having panic attacks while Dustin sleeps next to me. I have seen my fair share of nights where I will just give up and throw in my white flag to the insomnia and just go to the living room so that I'm not waking him or the kids up. I've been known to stay awake for 3-4 days at a time or if I do sleep it's very intermittent. Now that I'm on this sleep aid I have more nights that I sleep than I do bad, but every once in a while I will have a rough night find myself laying in bed thinking.

 I'm a constant worrier. I know this. Someone tells me something and I will not only dwell on it for days at a time, it will pick away at me. I begin to worry and then I will think the worse case scenario. After all of this I will have nightmares about it. Yes, at 30 years old I still have horrible nightmares.

These nightmares are generally geared towards losing my family, something breaking the relationship apart, or more times than not Dustin leaving. I don't know where these insecurities come from. Our relationship is great. I'm beyond happy and very much in love with this man and his children who I call my own. But nights where I have these kind of dreams really shake me up and hope that they aren't a sign of something to happen.

 Last night was one of those nights. I know I tossed and turned last night, the mound of blankets proved that, my muscles are sore from what I feel like was me trying to run from something.

Last nights dream stemmed from a comment that was directed towards me from a co-worker, who I considered to be a friend,  when I was looking at bridal gowns online to get an idea of styles for next summer. While we aren't officially engaged yet, we are planning and talking about details. To get a sense of what we both want, how we can get the kids involved, etc.  After milling around and trying to let that comment go I just let it build up inside. In my dream Dustin and I were sitting outside on our porch, as we do most nights, and talked. He told me that he was no longer in love with me, that the idea of getting married was no longer on the table. I just sat there. There was conversation about the kids and he told me that we would continue to live in the same house, but only because the kids were such good friends with me. This dream continued with him moving out of the bedroom and making a 3rd bedroom in the living room. He had even gone as far as putting up doors and buying new brand new furniture for this "room." The part about the dream that really got to me though, was when he told me that I was no longer allowed to give the kids hugs, kisses, or tell them "I love you."

This morning when I woke up I was buried underneath everything feeling like a huge elephant was sitting on my chest. I was on the verge of tears and I felt alone. Dustin had gotten up before me so it just added to the realness of the dream. Thankfully he was in the living room watching the news, and I just collapsed in his arms. All I have to say is I'm so glad that it was a dream.

Sum Sum Summer Time

Fun day Friday with Meagan was perfect. I had planned a day that was suited towards her. Full of running and plenty of pool time. I had to work till 11 before our adventure could really take off, but the whole day was buzzing with excitement. Meagan was awake and ready to go before I had even gotten out of bed. Tracey and Dustin were going to go to their dad/daughter day at the pond to get some fishing in. As I was getting ready Meagan curled up in Dustin and my bed and I kept her on clock watch. Every couple of minutes I had her do a time check to keep her awake.

After we got ourselves all the way ready for work we made our lunch for our picnic. The weather was going to be hot so I made sure to pack some heat friendly lunches. We did a run through of our backpack items to make sure that we had everything. We were out of the house on our way before it was time to go to work so that gave us some additional time to enjoy breakfast.

While I got some work done, Meagan associated with my coworkers. She laughed and drew everyone pictures so we all have more artwork to go with the pictures that Tracey had done for us the week before. When it was time Meagan and I packed up and headed out the door. Our first stop was the library. Both girls are participating in the summer reading program and Meagan wanted to exchange books out for new ones. She was looking for a particular book and we had 2 people helping us look for it. When we found it she was so excited. She was walking out with a proud strut down the street.

It was lunchtime, so we headed to the park and found a nice spot under a tree to enjoy our picnic. The park was buzzing with people and summer groups at the Waterfront. People watching at its finest. Meagan had questions about some of the people around. Why were they acting a certain way, why were they yelling, why were they homeless. Very inquisitive.

After lunch, we gathered our things and headed to the splash park which was just a few feet from where we had eaten lunch. The smell of chlorine filled the air and kids screaming with excitement as the cool water splashed their hot skin. I had to take a deep breathe, because as someone who before meeting Dustin had no real experience with kids, this was previously my hell.

Meagan was like Superman changing out of her clothes and was ready to run and splash. At first I was apprehensive about getting in the water myself. I'm 30 and not skinny by any means. Wet clothes would not be an attractive sight for the other parents and kids. However, my inhibitions were out the door when I got wet and i saw the joy that it brought to Meagan's face. We goofed off in the splash park for about 45 minutes before it was getting too busy for my liking. We packed up and headed to a more open grassy area. We kicked the soccer ball and ran around for a little bit while we dried off. Then we laid a blanket out and cloud watched for a few minutes. It was perfect to just take a minute to breathe with my little one.

We headed to the house and I got changed out of my wet clothes and into a bathing suit so we could head to the pool. We swam for 3.5 hours straight. Without even blinking an eye. Meagan is definitely my little guppy. She loves the water for sure. Around 4 we had to leave the pool. It was getting cloudy but we also had to get cleaned up for dinner. We were meeting my parents out for steak, as it is one of the meals that the kids ask for ALL the time.

Both kids ate exceptionally well. I always love when they eat a lot and get full. My mom had brought some outfits for the kids that she had bought them so after dinner the kids were eager to try on their new clothes. They gave Dustin and I one of the best fashion shows I think I have ever seen.

Bedtime was easy that day. Both girls fell asleep quickly. We usually let them watch one movie as they are falling asleep, and that night neither one made it through the opening credits. I can't express how much happiness these girls bring me every day.

Deep in the depths of my stomach

Every time the phone rings or the kids ask to call their mom I always get that sinking pit feeling inside my stomach. Not that we are keeping the kids from talking to her, but it seems like when we do all she does is find a new way to "wine and dine" them. This year is no different. These kids have basically been promised a free trip to the moon and back. I would love to say that I'm going to be excited that both kids want to move up here with their dad and me, but I can't shoe any kind of excitement, not in the least bit because in the past as soon as I have I would have heart break. 2 years of this emotional roller coaster you begin to feel numb not as likely to have a break down every time their mom decides to change her mind.

I would love to think this year will be different. That the kids will be officially ours living up here and will be living a more promising life. A life where they aren't told to leave the room so drugs can be consumed, a life where they are guaranteed three meals a day, a life where they will have clean clothes, sheets, blankets, a life where they don't have to live like animals, a life where they can be kids.

Each day that passes I feel myself becoming a stronger "parent" but with this strength also comes weakness because I know at some point I will have to say goodbye for awhile. I never know when I will get to see them or talk to them again. It could be weeks or it could be months before we hear anything. When the kids aren't here Dustin and I usually have a few days where we are lost. We put everything we have into making sure the kids are taken care of.

I guess right now I'm just having a difficult time. The kids will go back home to their mom. Fingers crossed it will only be for a week, but we have no way of knowing.

Last night the kids talked to their mom on the phone, her boyfriend yelling at her in the background. Loud enough that I could hear from a few feet away. This is what my kids are being subjected to.

I have to stay strong for them. I can't let them see when I break down or when I have a moment of weakness. I just can't. I have to keep everything bottled up and hope that this feeling will pass. I'm constantly running in circles. I wouldn't change it, but at the same time I wish things were a little less complicated.

Sometimes a little one on one is all it takes

Each of the girls holds a special place in my heart. I know I did not give birth to these beautiful girls, but they are still my daughters. Every so often their dad and I will do things where it is the whole family,  just a dad/daughters day, stepmom/daughters day, and then we will both split up and take each kid out for their own special day. If one week I have T, Dus will have M, then the following week we will switch it up. It gives the girls a break from the everyday hustle of having the sister around ALL the time, and it gives each of us to bond.

I'm still super nervous when it comes to having both kids with me,  but I'm growing and finding my own with each time that we go somewhere. I guess having the responsibility and being in charge of two lives scares me. It's a fear that I'm slowly trying to overcome.

Last Friday T and I had our special day. She got up early with me and came to work and felt like she was something. Since it is summer, I only work till 11 on Friday's so that makes a really nice weekend. I asked her if she was hungry and if she was where she wanted to go eat. She picked out Cheddars. It's a common household favorite and has a nice variety on their menu. She wanted ribs and I was in the mood for steak so we split a combo meal. We each took a couple bites of each others meals because it was just that good. We both cleaned our plates and then washed up and went on our next adventure. Pedicures.

Now I'm going to intervene and just say that both of us are VERY ticklish on our feet. It's almost insane how just the slightest touch can send us both laughing till we are in tears.

I let Tracey pick out the color of nail polish that she wanted on her toes. She was torn between neon pink and neon lime green. I told her that whatever color she didn't pick out for her she could pick out for me. *Bring on the sunglasses* She looked so little sitting in the chair while they scrubbed her feet and painted her toes but she felt so big and so proud. She had the biggest smile on her face the whole time. There was an older woman in her mid-50's who was sitting next to us and she whispered that I was doing a great job taking time out of my schedule to spend some quality time with T. I blushed and said thank you.

She ended up choosing lime green with zebra stripes. She picked out the neon pink for me. The few times that I have gotten my toes done I have never had a design put on. Tracey was determined for me to have something other than color that day. She said that I had to have zebra print or a flower put on my toes. An hour later we both walked out hand in hand with soft feet and extremely bright toes.

As we made our way home we had a dance party in the car while we jammed out to "Baby Got Back" blaring on the radio. Then we had a little bit of a heart to heart. It literally brought me to tears. I'm constantly questioning how I am doing as a "step"parent. I never feel or know that what I'm doing is right/wrong/backwards/etc. Meagan has told me before that I'm not doing a good job, but I'm doing a great job. That warmed my heart, however, hearing Tracey talk about the wonderful job that I'm doing seriously brought tears to my eyes. I had to collect myself so she wouldn't see the tears streaming down my cheeks.

After we got home we changed from our "work clothes" and into our bathing suites. We hit the pool and swam for about an hour before meeting up with Dus and Meagan for dinner.

I would say that the day was a huge success and it was worth all the smiles and laughs that we shared. I can't wait to spend the day with Meagan this week. Till next time.....

You will not leave this table till your plate is clean........

Having two stepkiddos who when they are with their bio-mom do not get 3 substantial meals a day usually end up going into starvation mode from what I have observed over the past 2.5 years. So that means when they get to our house where we provide them with breakfast, lunch, dinner, AND a snack, they don't know what to expect. Two things usually happen: A) they eat 2-3 plates full of full, they can out eat a grown man or B) they pick and prod the food like it's diseased and make up excuses as to why they don't want to eat. I try to find the humor that before dinner they are saying that they are STARVING and once we sit down to eat boom nothing. I don't want to touch this food with a ten foot pole. Now,  here's something about me...I love to cook. I love making stuff that I KNOW the kids will eat and eat really well. I don't make small meals,  so when it's just D and I there are usually leftovers that I can pack for lunch. Getting creative with meals when they are in the finicky moods is becoming more of a chore and a hassle. I'm trying to be sympathetic as to where they are coming from, but at the same time it's so frustrating! You want them to eat well and you want them to get good food into their bellies, not just junk food. We aren't the type of people who load our grocery carts down with sugary things. We will let them choose 1 thing that is a reward each time we go to the grocery, but we do buy a lot of fruits and veggies for them to snack on.

When the kids got up here both of them ate really well for a few days. Then the struggle began. First it was T. I made her favorite meal, homemade chicken noodle soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.  She sat there and picked at the soup and then didn't eat anymore. This is a dish that I know this child will devour! I've seen her eat 3-4 bowls and still be hungry. We got her over that pouting phase and since then she's been eating decent. Now M has been more of a struggle since she got up here. She's normally my good eater and will generally not leave anything behind. Since February, something has happened and she now has in her brain that potatoes are not good.

I got a small stomach bug after we went to the ballpark on a Thursday. I was sick on Friday and Dustin on Saturday. I thought we were in the clear until M kept saying that she wasn't hungry. We were treated to Cheddars, a place that everyone really enjoys because of the variety. M got her chicken fingers and she did not want anything to do with it. What was going on. We let it go and didn't think much of it. She was probably hot and tired. We had been to the park where we went walking and both kids got to run around for a while.

Monday was a new day. It was Memorial Day and we were going to meet up with my mom so she could spoil the kids and get them new clothes. This is a whole segment in itself. Neither one of the kids were hungry when they both woke up, so I packed some snacks so they could eat a pecan roll on the way to meet mom. We shopped till their little hearts were about to explode. They were so proud of all of their new threads. (Is it cool to say threads? No? Dang!)

Mom treated us to lunch at Steak N Shake. Another place where M would normally eat, but all she did was pick at a grilled cheese sandwich. The same pattern continued for the next 3 days. FIVE DAYS of hardly any food. This began to really freak me out. I was calling mom, D was calling his mom, I was looking at poop. Yes, not my proudest moment, but I did. Google is a bad bad thing to have. I began reading all these things about possible things that could be wrong. Anxiety party for 1?

I broke down to my therapist and she reassured me that it was probably just a phase and that she will eat when she's hungry. Sure enough that night I made spaghetti. Two plates and two pieces of garlic bread. I wanted to jump and scream and do cartwheels over the excitement of her finally eating.

So now that she's been eating regularly, my anxiety level can go back to normal. We are still putting up a strong fight as to why she has something against eating potatoes. I made a pork roast with potatoes in the crock pot yesterday for dinner. Didn't add any thing but a little bit of pepper to the water. All she wanted to eat was the pork. I made myself some carrots, because I'm the only one who will eat cooked carrots in my household. I put two small potato pieces on her plate. I think it may have equaled a half of a small russet. She doctored it up with all the fixins': butter, salt, pepper, sour cream. And nothing. She was thinking that if she put all this stuff on her potatoes that we wouldn't make her eat them. D wasn't having it. I had cleared my plate and began on the dishes. M continued to sit at the table. By the time I returned to the table she was in tears. She didn't want potatoes.

The only thing that I can think of doing at this point is to have her in the kitchen every night when I cook so she can see everything that I put in the food. Otherwise I don't know what else I'm going to do. Suggestions anyone?

Here we are another summer full of adventures and the unknown. I have to apologize for not keeping up with this blog. I need to make it at least a weekly thing, as my life is nothing short of a circus as I'm learning new things. 

This year as months in the past, was nothing short of a mommy meltdown. The came "home" about two weeks ago and when they arrived both kids were covered in lice. Now I don't know about how many of you psuedo-stepmoms out there are overwhelmed with things, but I have OCD and I'm very much a neat freak. I know this and each day I'm learning to let things go.....it's a process, I'm learning. Well....back to the chaos of their arrival. The kids were dressed in dirty clothes and appeared to not have bathed in a few days. They also smelled like dirty kids who haven't washed in a few days. First, off my initial thought was ewwwwwwwww. But then their dad sowed me their shoes. They were falling apart on both of them. Quick trip to the store to grab a few necessities and shoes that fit. Then while we were on our way the bomb was dropped. They had lice. I'm not talking just a few buggies here and there, it was a God damned infestation. There were nits and live bugs and crawling bugs and they were everywhere!!!!! I cringed as I write this. It still gives me the heebs talking about it. As their dad and I sat up till midnight searching through their hair, we found so many bugs and nits. They each had scabs from the lice. That sent my OCD into overdrive! I started laundry that night. I couldn't get their clothes into the washer fast enough. 

I didn't have a washer big enough. I wanted to just start soaking everything in bleach, but that wasn't realistic. So for the next week my life was consumed with cleaning. It was more like a woman on a mission. If I had pin-sol I would have been like my mother and washing the walls. I would wake up at 530 strip my bed, get myself together, wake the kids up strip both beds, wash a load before I left for work. Then I'd come home on lunch switch out laundry and throw towels in the wash, when I got home I'd clean the kitchen till you could eat off the floor, wash everyone's clothes from the day and vacuum. I was insane!!!!! 

I know many of you in the interwebs are thinking, "Just let it go" but I can't. I felt, and still feel dirty. We have finally gotten the situation under control and now have two kids who have lice free hair. 

So I'm going to end this post for now, but I'll be back when I talk about the week where I had a kid not eat. Mega freak out. Till then.....stay cool.