Stop and smell the roses

http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com/2013/07/why-being-mom-is-enough.html

Thank you.

I saw this blog post on a friends facebook wall. It made me stop and reflect. Think about things that I truly take for granted.

What a lot of people don't realize and is sometimes hard for them to comprehend is that although I am not a biological mom to a child, I'm still a mom. Whether it be pseudo-stepmom, stepmom, mom. It is still the root word "mom" that applies.

I love my step-daughters as if they were my own. I know I say this a lot, but they are both super special and make my heart swell with love.

I sometimes complain when the kids are with us about the attitudes and the bickering, but when they are not with us it's those little things that I miss the most. I miss waking up in the mornings to the crazy bed hair, I miss the little bit of help that I get when I cook dinner, I miss the help from the chores that they look forward to doing each week, I miss the four of us sitting down as a family to eat, I miss the serenades as the girls take showers each night, I miss the hugs around the neck, and the sweet kisses before they go to sleep. I miss the "I love you" from each kid.

Yes Dustin and I do a lot of things with the kids during the summer. We try to give them an idea of what we could do as a family if the kids were to ever live up here. I sometimes feel that our time together is rushed because we are constantly on the go. Sometimes we forget the biggest thing that both the kids really want. To be loved.

Both of these girls are loveable and they both love cuddling and to be held. I love those quiet moments when it's just us laying around with one of their heads nuzzled in the nook of my arm. I lose foresight of those little things with the hustle and bustle of life.

I'm hoping the meeting with the lawyers goes well on Monday between Dustin and Tabbie. Everyone up to this point has been in agreement for the updated custody of the kids. If all goes well, my promise is to cherish the little moments more frequently.

Tiny celebrations

The next 12 months are going to be busy for the Dennis-Kennedy household. I don't want to really say much until everything has been finalized, but it'll be exciting if everything works out the way that it should.

1. We should be getting a more final confirmation of the custody next week. I'm excited, nervous, scared, overwhelmed right now. Once we get a more positive answer, I should be able to breathe a little more.

2. A move could be in the works from apartment living to a house. Again, we don't have many details, but this could be huge for us. We will lose a small amount of living space, but we will be gaining a fenced in backyard, storage shed, quiet neighborhood, walking distance to a school, and I will be closer to family.

Again, I don't want to say much right now, but I'm hoping that these will both pan out.

Spinning top

 It feels like I'm standing still and everything is moving in hyper-speed around me. I've looked at the schools in our cluster, and once Dustin has the paperwork we can really push forward with getting the kids enrolled into a school up here. I think we have it narrowed down to the top three, so I'm hoping with any luck we will be able to get them enrolled into at least one of those three schools. All three have a uniform dress code which will be something different for them, but I think once they get used to it, they will love it. I love having uniforms. It's so uniform. Ha! Seriously though, it makes mornings so easy. You don't have to constantly wonder if this goes with this or should I wear this today, I am a HUGE advocate for uniforms in school systems.

Once we get everything official and finalized there will be so much that needs to happen before August 20th, which is the first day of school. We need to get of course, their school assignments, school supply shopping, uniform shopping, any doctors/dentists appointments that are required, make sure all of their immunizations are up to date, hair cuts (-this is a big one). Because of the hair fiasco back in May, I didn't get an opportunity to take the girls to get a cute summer hair cut. So I'm hoping that we are still lice free and we will be able to do that before school starts. They both look super cute when their hair is cut and shaped up nicely. I'm really looking forward to getting the kids ready for school in the mornings.

I'm excited to hopefully have them up here, but again, nothing is final until the paperwork is signed. Right now it is just a minute by minute basis. I'm hoping that within the next two weeks we can have more of a finalized answer about the immediate future of the kids.

Here we go again

As of right now we are in limbo. We had so much excitment that has faded into numbness and emptiness once again.

Dustin met with Tabbie and agreed to give him custody of the girls. A win win in everyone's book. Now that it's time to get the official paperwork in Tabbie is unreachable. She's letting her husband answer the phone or knowing him he's answering the phone and not letting her know that Dustin's been trying to get a hold of her. She's not responding to any texts. We are growing impatient and frustrated. I want to cry. I was hoping that I wouldn't get excited about the fact that they would get to move up here. However, I let myself get excited and this is what happens. Repeat pattern of years past.

I'm still holding on to a tiny glimmer of hope. It's hard to come up with words right now to where I don't sound so negative....so..... depressed. Maybe it's because I haven't taken my medicine today, maybe its because I couldn't sleep last night. Who knows. I woke up this morning feeling like I'm at the bottom once again. Everything that we have worked towards with the kids, showing them how life could be if they were to live up here, giving them a nice place to live, is all being taken away right now.

My reality

I'm going to gear away from talking about my experiences of being a pseudo-stepmom and talk about some things that affect many women and men in today's society.

I have struggled all my life with anxiety and depression. I can't pinpoint an exact area of my life as to what caused me to be the way I am, it's just been part of me.

I started getting help back in March. After many months of feeling like I was lost and that I was losing control I finally decided that something needed to happen. For as long as I can remember I've always had some kind of anxiety and it could be triggered with a little thing. The same goes with my depression. If I didn't feel absolutely amazing I would hit a low spot. Most times I would snap out of the low after a day or two, but it was getting to be more of a battle to get out of the rut. It was becoming difficult to get out of bed in the morning, and finding energy to do anything was damn near impossible.

The commercials on tv don't lie when they say that everything hurts and everyone is affected with depression. The same goes along with anxiety.

I couldn't relax, ever. I was always thinking about something or worrying that something was or wasn't going to happen. The dishes had to be done, the laundry couldn't go more than a day without being folded. I couldn't sit on the couch and watch a movie without fidgeting or doing something on my phone. Add the not sleeping on top of that. I felt like I was constantly needing to be on the move. I would eventually just tire out and I would crash. I wanted nothing more than to sleep. And sleep I did. There would be days where I would lay down as soon as I got home from work. It was as though my bed was my shelter. It comforted me from the pain I was feeling.

Let's add in the roller coaster of mood swings too. I would be happy, I would cry, I would be angry....all within a five minute period and I couldn't explain why. On days where I was anxious I would worry myself to the point of an anxiety attack. I would make myself so sick from it.

Back in March I decided after a lot of thinking that I needed to get help. I was in the parking garage at work having a breakdown. I hated myself, life, and didn't feel that anything could make me happy. I was going through the motions of everyday. I went into a robot mode. I questioned my relationship, wondered what would happen if I just disappeared. Would anyone notice I was gone? Would they even care? I didn't care, so why should they.

I met with my therapist for the first time on a Thursday afternoon. Getting in happened a lot quicker than I thought it was going to take. Since then I have been meeting with my therapist 2x a month to talk about things. My doctor has also helped find something to allow me to sleep a full 8 hours and also find something to level me out. I still have my moments where I feel low, but they pass. I find that I have more energy, my OCD isn't nearly as bad when I'm in a store (although I still really cannot go into a cluttered store),  but more importantly I'm getting my life back. I'm getting out and experiencing things again. I'm not so wound up and worry about things.

If you know someone or yourself who has ever been depressed or has a lot of anxiety, there are people out there who can help. I denied that I needed help for a very long time. I always told myself that this will pass or that there is nothing that they can do to help me. But actually, just having someone sit down and just listen and talk helps a lot. Sometimes you can open up to someone who has no relation to you better than you can a family member because they don't have judgements against you. It was hard for me to open up, but now that I am becoming more comfortable i am finding that things to talk about come more easily. I have a long road to go, but I'm hopeful (something I didn't have before) that I'll be better.

Sun poisoning

I've had it twice this summer. It's no joke!

The first time that I had it this summer was the day after Meagan's Friday Fun day. The following day we all got up before the sun and heading to Dustin's parents house for a "family" reunion. I use family very loosely because he doesn't really associate much with several members of his family. I love his mom and stepdad to death. We always trade recipes and share our "secrets" for cooking. At the cookout, since the weather was nice everyone was outside, it was incredibly hot and muggy. I tried to stay in the shade as much as possible, but with the heat it was practically impossible.

I was still burnt from the previous day so the heat just was awful to me. I made the best of an awkward position and just had fun with it. I did meet some family that Dustin does talk to and just enjoyed watching the kids run around. They couldn't stay awake for the entire trip.

We got to Danville, which is about 45 minutes from his mom's house, and we had stopped for a bathroom break. I had gotten some water to help re-hydrate me. I love ice cold water. We had gotten back on the road and didn't make it but a couple of blocks and I told Dustin that he needed to pull over. The worst possible feeling had come over me. I was about to vomit. I turned the palest white and just started sweating uncontrollably. Dustin found a place in a parking lot (right next to O'Charleys) and I bolted from the car. I could hear both kids asking why we were stopping then I heard Meagan from the backseat ask what was going on. Poor Tracey was trying to keep her occupied because she was wanting to see if I was ok. I was trying to keep my back turned so that they wouldn't see me hurl my cookies all over the parking lot. After several minutes, and becoming very weak I had to clean myself up. My shirt was soaked from the cold sweat and I am so thankful that my car always has some random article of clothing in there. I had to use it to clean myself up. Concrete+volatile vomit=SPLASH.

By this time I started crying because I was so embarassed. Did the kids just have to sit there in the car and watch me at my weakest moment? Did Dustin really just witness this? We got back on the road after about 15 minutes or so and I was able to calm down enough to fall asleep. In my haze I told Dustin that I would sleep on the couch that night. Of course I didn't really need to but I'm weird like that. I was just afraid that what I had was contagious and didn't want him getting or the kids getting sick. Even though we were in the car for 2 1/2 hours in a confined space. Weird I know!

Flushin' out the systems

A few weeks ago I talked about a stomach bug that had gone through the house. There wasn't enough toilet paper in the house. I felt like we were all going to have to start hoarding the rolls as our own and if you ran out you'd have to find another means for hygiene. After that bout of the stomach bug passed through, everything was once again sanitized down and everything was washed, again. The heat of the summer had really started to kick in.

Kentucky had an unusally cool spring this year, which made it super nice. But we hit hot and humid practically overnight. Normally heat doesn't bother me, but when you have two very active kids you have to learn to adapt.

One Friday evening we had all the guys over for dinner. Let me back up since I know you all out there don't know who anyone in RL is. In my family there is Dustin, the girls, myself, Jeremy (aka Fatty), and Dustin. Yes there are two Dustin's. At any given time that they are in the room together you have to find a way to differentiate which is who as to not get the conversations confused. I have resulted in calling my Dustin babe just to avoid any crossed signals.

Back to this particular Friday night. The four adults were hanging out in the back conversing and having some "adult" beverages while the girls spent time coloring. Then we all joined in for some beer bottle bowling (real adults right here). That game didn't last but two or three rolls. Then we made the kids go inside while we (all four adults) scoured the ground for shards of glass from the bottles. Woops. I promise no kids were harmed and they stayed inside watching as we cleaned up. 

After we got the bottle mess cleaned up everyone went down the hill and we played a game of soccer, guys vs. girls. So to give you an idea three grown men and one adult woman and two children all outside kicking a soccer ball to each to try and get it passed one another. It was so much fun, and everyone was having a good time.

Shortly after Meagan started complaining that her head was hurting. My initial reaction was that she was just running around too much. So we made her sit down for a few minutes. But since everyone else was still running around she didn't want to be left out so that idea didn't last for too long.

 We all went inside as the sun was setting and it was already past the time we get the girls in the shower. Meagan starts complaining that her stomach was hurting. "Oh great!" Dustin rushes her to the bathroom just in time for her to hover over and make the stream of vomit land into the water. I don't do vomit well. I don't know who does. So after she finished doing her "thing" she comes out of the bathroom. She came up to me and said she felt much better. It was getting late so I told her to go ahead and get in the shower. She ended up getting sick one more time.

After the shower, and the routine teeth brushing, Meagan got her pillow and a blanket and we had her curl up on the couch to calm down. I got her a puke bucket just in case she needed to get sick again and couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. When everyone left the girls made a pallet in their floor. Pillows and puke bucket included. I didn't sleep well that night. I kept an open ear, as a precautionary measure to make sure Meagan didn't wake up again to get sick.

The next morning Meagan bee-bopped into my room as if nothing happened the night before. She curled up next to me in bed and we laid there and watch Saturday morning tv. Just the two of us. I asked her if she felt better, and she was quick with her YES!!!

It's sometimes the littlest things that mean the most

The day that we took the kids home I received a text message from their mom. It really meant a lot to me and validated that I WAS in fact doing a fairly decent job with these kids.

They mean the world to me, and I never want to take the place of their real mom. I do however, want to give them experiences that they might not get when they are at home. I want them to have even just a taste of the upbringing that my mom and my grandma had given me growing up.

I know that they are loved, there is no question about that. I do want them to get a continuous sense of it, a feeling of safety and security. I want them to know that they are trusted and what they say means everything.

My wish for these kids is that these two girls fully understand how amazing and special that they are. If one were to spend just a few minutes with one or both girls, their smile is so infectious that it lights up the room.

Lost

The kids went back home to their mom on Friday. Saturday morning I woke up with a sinking feeling. A feeling that I am all to familiar with. A feeling I get whenever they go back home to their mom. I know that this isn't permanent, but it still hurts none the less.

I miss my Saturday morning snuggles with Meagan, I miss my never ending hugs from Tracey. I miss sitting down at the table with all four of us at dinner. I miss the laughter, the giggles, the imaginative spirits.  I miss the evil glares, pre-tween attitudes, and the bickering. The house is just too quiet.