Reality fades into darkness

I have a hard time sleeping.....so much so that I have to take a small dose of a sleeping pill to help me sleep. I enjoy the fact that I can sleep and wake up the next morning feeling somewhat rested, versus laying in bed every night worrying, tossing, turning, having panic attacks while Dustin sleeps next to me. I have seen my fair share of nights where I will just give up and throw in my white flag to the insomnia and just go to the living room so that I'm not waking him or the kids up. I've been known to stay awake for 3-4 days at a time or if I do sleep it's very intermittent. Now that I'm on this sleep aid I have more nights that I sleep than I do bad, but every once in a while I will have a rough night find myself laying in bed thinking.

 I'm a constant worrier. I know this. Someone tells me something and I will not only dwell on it for days at a time, it will pick away at me. I begin to worry and then I will think the worse case scenario. After all of this I will have nightmares about it. Yes, at 30 years old I still have horrible nightmares.

These nightmares are generally geared towards losing my family, something breaking the relationship apart, or more times than not Dustin leaving. I don't know where these insecurities come from. Our relationship is great. I'm beyond happy and very much in love with this man and his children who I call my own. But nights where I have these kind of dreams really shake me up and hope that they aren't a sign of something to happen.

 Last night was one of those nights. I know I tossed and turned last night, the mound of blankets proved that, my muscles are sore from what I feel like was me trying to run from something.

Last nights dream stemmed from a comment that was directed towards me from a co-worker, who I considered to be a friend,  when I was looking at bridal gowns online to get an idea of styles for next summer. While we aren't officially engaged yet, we are planning and talking about details. To get a sense of what we both want, how we can get the kids involved, etc.  After milling around and trying to let that comment go I just let it build up inside. In my dream Dustin and I were sitting outside on our porch, as we do most nights, and talked. He told me that he was no longer in love with me, that the idea of getting married was no longer on the table. I just sat there. There was conversation about the kids and he told me that we would continue to live in the same house, but only because the kids were such good friends with me. This dream continued with him moving out of the bedroom and making a 3rd bedroom in the living room. He had even gone as far as putting up doors and buying new brand new furniture for this "room." The part about the dream that really got to me though, was when he told me that I was no longer allowed to give the kids hugs, kisses, or tell them "I love you."

This morning when I woke up I was buried underneath everything feeling like a huge elephant was sitting on my chest. I was on the verge of tears and I felt alone. Dustin had gotten up before me so it just added to the realness of the dream. Thankfully he was in the living room watching the news, and I just collapsed in his arms. All I have to say is I'm so glad that it was a dream.