Deep in the depths of my stomach

Every time the phone rings or the kids ask to call their mom I always get that sinking pit feeling inside my stomach. Not that we are keeping the kids from talking to her, but it seems like when we do all she does is find a new way to "wine and dine" them. This year is no different. These kids have basically been promised a free trip to the moon and back. I would love to say that I'm going to be excited that both kids want to move up here with their dad and me, but I can't shoe any kind of excitement, not in the least bit because in the past as soon as I have I would have heart break. 2 years of this emotional roller coaster you begin to feel numb not as likely to have a break down every time their mom decides to change her mind.

I would love to think this year will be different. That the kids will be officially ours living up here and will be living a more promising life. A life where they aren't told to leave the room so drugs can be consumed, a life where they are guaranteed three meals a day, a life where they will have clean clothes, sheets, blankets, a life where they don't have to live like animals, a life where they can be kids.

Each day that passes I feel myself becoming a stronger "parent" but with this strength also comes weakness because I know at some point I will have to say goodbye for awhile. I never know when I will get to see them or talk to them again. It could be weeks or it could be months before we hear anything. When the kids aren't here Dustin and I usually have a few days where we are lost. We put everything we have into making sure the kids are taken care of.

I guess right now I'm just having a difficult time. The kids will go back home to their mom. Fingers crossed it will only be for a week, but we have no way of knowing.

Last night the kids talked to their mom on the phone, her boyfriend yelling at her in the background. Loud enough that I could hear from a few feet away. This is what my kids are being subjected to.

I have to stay strong for them. I can't let them see when I break down or when I have a moment of weakness. I just can't. I have to keep everything bottled up and hope that this feeling will pass. I'm constantly running in circles. I wouldn't change it, but at the same time I wish things were a little less complicated.