I really hate my alarm sometimes

4:30 am

That's what time my alarm goes off. I'm not a fan.

I'm not a morning person. I don't enjoy getting up and leaving the comforts of my bed. I do it though. Why? Because I have a goal. I'm seeing small progress. Small progress is no progress right? I'm learning re-learning things about myself that I had forgotten I could do.
1. I get excited when I have to raise my weight limit. Ya'll I'm starting from scratch. I retired from roller derby four years ago. Stopped everything. Being active, moving all the time. That took a toll on my muscles. I have HAD zero muscle. And I'm sure that my upper body was in the negative.

2. I like to try new-ish things. I say "ish" because some of ya'll out there probably have done this kind of stuff for ions. Squats.......I have a love hate relationship with them. Sumo squats same thing. WEIGHTED sumo squats....I get a rush from them. Why is that? Becuase I'm a BAMF. HA. Seriously though it's an adrenaline rush for me to push myself. I look like a complete dipwad while doing them (alone & staring in the mirror) but I do them and I feel like a superhero while doing them.

3. I love weights more than I do cardio. I enjoy the elliptical machine and I can go for long distances on it. However, because it's not weight bearing when I go to the tredmill it is a COMPLETELY different story. I feel like I want to DIE! I'm fine once my 30 minutes or so are up and I can move on to weights. Again I feel like a BAMF

4. I tell myself every morning that I wake up and go to the gym that I am a BAMF. It's my go-go juice to get me pumped on my drive to the gym. I'm not one of those crazed gym rats that grunts and flexes in the mirror, I do however look at myself in the mirror and I think "Holy mother of all that's holy, I've got my derby butt back!

Meagan's new passion

She runs. A. LOT.

She joined the cross country team back in August and has been in love with it ever since (she is on her 3rd pair of running shoes)

This past weekend she ran her first BIG race. Cross country meets in elementary school do not even come close to comparing to what this race was life for her. She is used to running with MAYBE 100 other girls around her age. This race was everyone 6 and up. There were a total of 5334 people running/walking and I was nervous for her.

That little shit can run.

Mind you she just turned 10 a month ago. Out of over 5000 people she came in 1375! WHAT THE WHAT!!!!

When the results were broken down here's how it looks:
21/133 females 14 and under
417/3101 total females
1375/5334 total participants

Proud moment for this momma.

Making lifestyle changes

When I first started this journey in December I didn't know what to expect. I was dedicating a lot of time to working out in a gym. It definitely scared me


***Backtrack*** anyone who knows me knows that I've been terrified of the gym. I have this preconceived notion that everyone is there and staring at my horrible form, my rolls jiggling, and noticing my sweat stains. It doesn't help that there was a jackass egotistical male trainer who made me feel like the chewed up gum coming out of my dogs asshole. I'm not saying all trainers are like that, but you don't tell someone that their goals are not realistic unless you are willing to pay $500 a month.

Anyways back to present day. I constantly ask Dustin if it's ok if I do go to the gym. I'm not asking permission to go, I'm basically just making sure that my gym time isn't interfering with family time. There have been days where I skip the gym because 1)my body is completely worn out and I just need that extra hour of sleep 2) the temperamental weather 3)kids. I try to keep consistent with getting up and going to the gym. I had to keep telling myself that it takes 21 days to make a habit. I'm pretty sure that the newly formed calluses on my hands are a good indication that I made the right choice.

One of the biggest changes that I am noticing is that I'm not craving sweet stuff nearly as bad as I used to. Instead it's more salty type things. I don't add salt to anything. I never really have, but that's another story. There was one morning where I came in from working out and instead of going for cereal I wanted tater tots. They were the best tater tots ever. I never fry any of my food so I threw the remaining tater tots that were in the freezer onto a cookie sheet and waited for them to bake to a nice crispy golden brown. Oh it was perfect.

Another thing that I notice about working out so early in the mornings is that I am able to fall asleep at a normalish hour. Of course I'm also still having to take 5 mg of Ambien to accompany me so that I stay asleep but I'm falling asleep easier.

Is it spring yet?!?

So let me tell you a story about snow storm 2015. Yea it happened. Rain, ice, and 12+ inches of snow. 2.5 days of being stuck in the house with two very stir crazy kids who have been stuck inside since Tuesday.......pass the vodka, tequila, makers, you name it. I am about to go crazy. This is the second extended period of time that they have been out of school.......the first was two weeks ago where they were out for an entire week. Dear sweet baby Jesus in a tuxedo shirt have mercy on my nerves. I don't think that there is enough prozac. I'm hoping that this was winter's last hoorah and spring will be making an appearance in the near future. I'm ready for my flip flops and sun dresses. I'm ready to sit outside in my rocking chair and enjoy being outside and not cooped up on the couch.

Game of life....

It's been quite a bit of time since I last updated this thing.  Sorry y'all. Life took precedence and I was off doing the "mom" thing.

June was the last real post that I did and shit has really upped its ante since then. Lets see, we finished up summer by going on a nice week and a half long vacation. It was fabulous. We spent every day on the lake soaking up sun, fishing, kayaking, and just making a ton of memories.

August came and we were in full swing with school starting. That was a different kind of mountain to climb. This was the first year that the kids were going to be on a different bus and different schedules. Tracey now had to adjust to getting up at 530 so that she could be on the bus by 630. Meagan got to be the lazy bird and sleep till 730.

Tracey tried cheerleading for a little bit of time and it wasn't her cup of tea. I'm still proud of her though for giving it a shot. Little Meagan tried out for cross country and is a beast when it comes to running. I feel like I should be quoting Forrest Gump. Her legs just keep on running.

October I said "hell yea" to Dustin as we had our super small incredible awesome wedding. Ya'll the day was absolutely everything that I wanted it to be. We had less than 20 people, I cooked all the food, the rain stopped just before the ceremony, and everyone had a great time.

November/December was busy with the holidays. The kids went to their biomom's for thanksgiving which really sucked. My family was out of town and Dustin's family lives 2.5 hours away so we stayed in and kept things really low key. We had steak for our Thanksgiving day meal and celebrated with a turkey when they made it home that following sunday. We let them go to their moms for 5 days-FIVE-and they come back with lice. My nemesis. I cringed still to this day when one of them even slightly scratches their head. It makes me want to scratch just thinking about it. Ugh nasty nasty things. Christmas came and went just as fast as December. We were all super busy with work, family things, this that and everything else.

January is the butt of winter in my book and around the point when the kids ALL start to go stir crazy because they can't get outside to expel some of their energy. C'mon spring I know you have it in you to make an appearance.

February brought my annual bronchitis which caused me to be out of the gym for a week. Oh! That reminds me I'm working out again. I'm waking up at 430 and in the gym by 5. I'm done before anyone really wakes up. It's really weird still to this day to be in the gym so much. I still have the guilt that I'm taking away from my family, but then I remind myself WHY I'm doing this.

So there ya go, my life since June. I'm going to "TRY" again to maintain this more frequently, but I cannot make promises because I know it won't happen.

Ciao!

Testing a new kind of post

Wow, it's been a year

This time last year I would come home from work and have the girls sit outside while I picked nits out of there hair. It was this time last year that they came up here infested with lice. Thankfully, we haven't had any issues since then.

The kids originally just came up for the summer, as planned and this was the summer that was going to be a game-changer in the long run. This was going to be the first time that I was going to be more of the mother figure and less of a "step" mom. I was going to have to figure out exactly what it was going to be like to be a full-time working mom of two kids.

You might be wondering why I mention this.

Last night we had orientation for 6th grade. Ya'll next Friday I will no longer have 2 kids in elementary school. I will have a child in middle school. HOLY MOLEY YA'LL!!!

But this morning I was helping Tracey get ready for school, I asked if she was in a grumpy mood. Her face was all crinkled and pouty lips out. She said no that school made her tired. I had to laugh. I told her that work made me tired, school made me tired, being a parent made me exhausted......but I wouldn't change that last one for the world. She didn't say much, but the crinkled nose relaxed a bit and I think I may have seen a small smile pop out.

This is getting real y'all

Dustin and I have been together for 3.5 years. 3.5 absolutely wonderful years. We've been engaged since November.

We've been living together for 3 years. We moved in four months after we started dating. We've had the girls full time for a year (custody since August).

This past weekend we bought a new fridge, a new fridge ya'll. A new appliance feels like we are actually becoming the future married couple. I dont know what about appliances makes me feel like this engagement is real, but it is!

We spent the weekend painting the kitchen and bathrooms. And our new fridge arrived today. Can I just say it is a beauty. I never thought I would love a fridge, but this shiny new appliance is pretty fabulous.

Where is you

I'm in a conundrum. Not sure what to do say or feel.

I loved my Mother's Day presents and card from my inlaws and family.  But I still feel as though there are some people who don't consider me a parent. I mean what classifies you as a parent? Birthing a child? Nurturing a child? 

I've been reading blogs about stepmoms who feel like they get the shaft on Mother's Day. Which from their viewpoint is true. This is another commercialized holiday that when created the norm wasn't to celebrate the joys of step-parenting. Go into any store and try to find a card for step-parents. Not an easy task. Does it mean that we are any less of parents? Does it mean that we shouldn't be validated? No. It just means that we, as parents, are that special that we don't need a stinkin hallmark card telling the world something we already know. That we are awesome. 

While I, in the generalized step-parent population, may be awesome, I would also like to have that acknowledgment from the nay-sayers. True I did not push for hours trying to squeeze a watermelon out of my pee hole, but I have had to take a crash course into being a parent. That, in my opinion, is not an easy thing to do. 

Say what you will and think what you do, being a step parent is NOT a job for the faint of heart. 

 

My first donation

I have officially faced a fear that I have been dreading for YEARS. I donated blood for the first time ever. Honestly I have no idea what I was so afraid of. Maybe it was just the idea of having something sucking blood out of my arm.

I made an appointment during our most recent blood drive. I was more nervous walking in to the building than I was waiting. But I couldn't back out. I signed in, drank a bottle of water and tried to calm my nerves. I was still nervous because my blood pressure was a wee high, not high to be concerning but it definitely reflected the nerves.

I had to have proof that I went through with it. 

I went through the rest of the mini physical with flying colors. They got a bed for me and started prepping my arm. They almost couldn't find a vein in either arm. They had to do every thing possible for a little guy to pop up, but one finally did. As I'm laying on the table I wanted to check things out, you know cause that's what I do. I'm inquisitive. I have to know what's going on to get a better understanding. If I was allowed to I probably would have asked to have a hands on demonstration. The nurse was laughing at me because I was taking pictures of my arm while laying on the bed.

After I was done, they had me sit up on the side of the bed and asked how I felt. Believe it or not I felt fabulous. Better than I did before I went in. I didn't want the pizza that they were offering,
but I did get cookies and apple juice (so yum).

Still waiting on my superpowers

I don't feel this amazing overwhelming awesomeness that people say they feel after donating for the first time. I feel normal. I still have a small mark from the needle, but overall I had a fantastic experience and I will probably be a repeat donor.

Time ticks slowly

SO!

Their mom came through.....which shocked the world. Did you feel that small earthquake. That was my jaw dropping to the ground when we saw the car at Kroger.

Dustin and I went home afterwards and I really have no idea what we did before we had custody of them. The house is eerily way to quiet and it just feels really off not having our "routine." I hope that they have a good time and enjoy spending some qt with their mom.

In the meantime, what are two parents supposed to do without the kids until Sunday?!?

A new bar has been set

We drove all to the meeting lot so that we could drop the kids off with their mom.

We were a few minutes late because we had to stop so we could get their bellies full before they left. Not sure as to whether or not they were going to get a full meal until next weekend, and we leave them knowing that they are full.

We sit, and watch the time pass. 430, 445,450, 455....nothing. No show. No call. A very pissed off stepmomma and one INSANELY pissed the f off dad. She did not show.  It's one thing to not pick up the phone and call your kids, but to not follow through to pick them up. So they can see you. At the time that I'm writing this I'm beyond words. I have nothing more to say. She has really put a sour taste in their mouths. They didn't even want to call her when we got back home.

I'm not sure what is going to happen in the future.

Tracey feels like she's lied to her classmates and teacher. Friday they were asked what they were going to do over spring break. She told them that she was going to go to their moms. She got home and told us that since she wasn't going that she told a lie. I told her that she didn't tell a lie, but her mom lied. Meagan was heartbroken. Completely heartbroken. She would just stare out the window watching and waiting. Every white car that passed she waited to see if it was her mom pulling into the parking lot. Every car that passed was not her. Every minute that passed was one more minute that she realized that she wasn't going to show.

We finally had to leave at 515. On our way back, her husband Jerry called. They were still in Somerset. His mom, whom they live with and borrowed the car from, said that they had left at three, which would have put them getting to the meeting spot at 415. When Dustin talked to Jerry he said that they left after 4. Again if they left at 4 they would have gotten there by 515.  At 530 they were still in Somerset.

It's going to be  long week I'm sure as the kids filter through the emotions. Right now they are in the pissed off stage. Not sure what to expect next, but I'm sure it'll be a roller coaster.

Will this ever get easier?

We are packing up the kids for a week so that they can spend some time with their mom. I've been on a laundry marathon to get all of their clothes that they can take with them packed. The kids are undoubtedly excited while Dustin and I are dreading this. We aren't keeping them from seeing her, we just know the conditions that they are going to be staying in.

One thing that we are also making sure of is that they aren't taking any nice things down there with them. No new clothes, no earrings, no nice shoes. All of that has to stay up here. Why? We don't trust the people that hang around their mom. You see when you are addicted you will go to any lengths to get the money for that next fix. Even if it means taking nice things from your own kids.....yes it's happened to our kids.

I'm having a hard time with all of this right now. I have a pit in my stomach, and I am dreading that phone call from her saying that she was able to get a car. When we get that call that means that it's time to pack up the car and head to the meeting point.

I'm going to make the best of the day and drink another cup of coffee and finish preparing. It's going to be a quiet week here. So I may be posting more than usual.....it's so I don't go crazy since I won't get to hear from my kids until the day we pick them up. I'm going to need some added strength this week and lots of sprinkled doughnuts.

Battle in the bluegrass-Friday edition

Smell that?
That right there is March Madness in it's finest most exhilarating monumental match-ups in the state.

Today the University of Louisville is matched up against the University of Kentucky once again in the road to the final four. Today is the day where families and friends for one day become disgusted with each other, officemates trash talk all day at work, and the world only sees blue and red.

This week hasn't been a bad week, I'm just really super happy that it's the weekend.

Let's see if I can re-cap the events of the week......
The kids started girl scouts last friday and tomorrow they will be going on their first gs outing. They get to get involved and Dustin and I will have a couple of hours of "our time."

Monday I had a brilliant idea to get Meagan involved in my workouts. I'm not sure if that was a brilliant idea after not being able to walk without a waddle for most of the week. She loves it though. We go to the loop about 2 miles from our house and walk on the path. Every quarter mile (they are marked with posts) she tells me what to do which is included in the walk. For example, she told me to do 35 jumping jacks. NO PROBLEM I said, 45 toe touches SURE! 20 push-ups..................................................She is really excited about getting to work out with me. I hate the soreness that accompanies it right now, but she gets a kick out of it.

Another win for the week is that I started jogging. If there was an award for worlds slowest jogger I would be a top recipient. I think there are grannies in south Florida who power walk faster than I jog. I'm doing it though and maybe one of these years I'll actually be able to run a quarter of a mile.

It's been pretty quiet here otherwise. I hope you all have a great week and I'll check back in next Friday.

I can make this public now.....

My family and fb friends have seen the announcement already, but I got the ok to be able to announce it to the public.

I was nominated last month for an outstanding staff member for an adult learner award and I won. It's a huge honor and I'm beyond excited to have been nominated. There is an awards ceremony next week where I will be given the award. I just couldn't contain my enthusiasm and just all around thrilled.

They need to have a manual for this

It seems like right now I can't do or say anything remotely right to please the kids these days. I'm sure it's due to a lack of ability to go out and play like they want to.

Between bouts of sickness, polar vortex 1.0, 2.0, 3.0, winter storms (speaking of those-when did they start getting names?) time outside has been very limited.

M especially has been very short with me. If I tell her no she gets mad or breaks down. T has been bossy more so than the pre-teen (premadonna) backtalk. We have been through fighting with each other over a belt, having MAJOR meltdowns because her hair wasn't the way she wanted it to lay. I was even thrown under the bus for disciplining and now I treat one better than the other.

I'm trying so hard to keep my cool and take a step back but sometimes it gets underneath my skin so bad.

I'm just feeling like the underdog right now in the mom world. I know what's wrong, but I can't rectify this problem. I can't force a person to step up and be the mom that she is supposed to be. I hate to say this but sometimes I wish she would just sign over her rights or OD. That way the kids would have some closure. But then would they be even more angry or would they pick up and move on?

They get so disappointed when they don't hear from her, and when they get in touch with her its an emotional rush and then a free fall to the bottom when she repeats. Not to mention the lies and the broken promises that are ongoing. I'm trying to stay positive and nurturing, but I really do just want to curl up in a corner some days and just cry.

I feel like they take turns and tag team each other on who's going to get yelled at when. Delana looks like she's had a bad day, smart off to her today and tomorrow I won't listen worth a damn.

They are "supposed" to go down to her house for spring break, but they haven't spoken to her in two weeks. I guess we will have to make alternate plans, just in case she doesn't doesn't follow through, which is quite likely. I'm thinking I might take a day or two off so they aren't stuck at home with a babysitter all week.

Fabulous Friday

Yesterday marked the first day of spring. WOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
I'm excited that the calendar says that we are one step closer to saying good-bye to the cold, snow, blah days.....now if Mother Nature would take her midol and get on board things will be a wonderful utopia.

Last Saturday was pretty fabulous. It was sunny and 78 and made for a perfect day to get outdoors and procrastinate on any kind of household chores. I took advantage of the day and the fact that Dustin and the kids had taken a mini-vacation to Somerset for the weekend and had some mom/daughter time with Maddie. Yes, she is my child (especially when she gets in trouble....funny how that works.) Since the weather was pretty superb we heading to the walking trail and walked four miles.

Maddie walking like a big girl in her harness.

One tired pup after four miles of walking. She was begging me to stop walking. 

This week has been a fun week at the kids school with them fundraising for the Crusade for Children. Each day they have been able to bring in donations and either have gotten to wear a non-uniform shirt, dress down, etc. Yesterday was wear a hat to school day. Both girls got to pick out a hat that they liked and really were excited to be able to wear it to school. They even had to get Maddie involved before we left. 

Last night I forgot to turn our heat back on. It got warm enough outside yesterday that I kicked the heater off while the kids were running around and I was prepping dinner. Since it dropped down into the 40's last night and I made the mistake of not turning the heat back on I was cold. Normally Dustin doesn't let me cuddle with him for more than five minutes because he gets too hot. Well at some point I nuzzled next to him so I could get warm. I didn't hear him get up this morning for work and started to cuddle next to him again. To my sleepy surprise he wasn't there. I put my arm across the body laying next to me and it definitely was NOT Dustin. I sleep with my phone next to my head so I can hear my alarm so I grabbed it and flipped on the light. This is the face that I woke up to this morning. Adorable yes, but definitely NOT the face I was expecting.

 We have a local place that serves the best fried fish I think I have ever had. I don't think I have eaten anything bad there. It's one of those places that is a guilty pleasure and you can't eat there but a couple of times a year because it's fried food and you don't want to eat a lot of that. I hadn't been in a couple of years, but last Saturday my stepdaddy took me out to lunch. I was amazed at the gorgeous wood sculptures that have taken residence there. I love ornate stuff like this and it's so organic and just amazing. 

I dont think we have much on tap as far as plans go for this weekend. I'm hoping that we can catch up on some sleep and enjoy some time together. We are finally getting rid of the sickness and everyone is on the mend so we should be able to get out and actually enjoy some time away from the house. 

Life on a piece of paper

I feel like this right here validates the hard work that I put into what I do. It may not always seem like what I do matters, but I love working in higher education! 

Have to versus get to....

I'm at a professional development today for work, and I admit I wasn't too keen on the idea because it was advertised as "emotionally" evoking and setting a positive atmosphere for the workplace. Joy. However, to my surprise, the morning sessions have been extremely powerful. I think the speaker that really got to me was Mrs. Denise Taylor.

I always try to find some way to relate to any speaker. It's just how I'm programmed. What I didn't know was what she had to say was so meaningful and meant a lot to me!

Words to live by.....

While my story and her story don't sync up in terms of cancer, she has made me really stop and reflect about this journey that I'm going through. She calls it "Life's Surprise Party" and seriously that is pretty spot on. Every day that I wake up life gives me new surprises. Whether they are little hiccups or they are joyous, momentous occasions I am loving this journey.

I think her words, "Instead of saying I have to, say I GET TO" really stopped me in my tracks. I often complain about "having to do something," but I never really stop to think about what I'm saying. I have to do laundry for four people, I have to cook dinner, I have clean, etc." Those words sounds like I'm ungrateful and not appreciative of what I have been given. I have the opportunity to be a mom, and I GET to show them what life is without drug use, I GET to be there for both girls when they have a heartache, I GET to be the punching dummy and I GET to be yelled at. And I'll take those moments and I will enjoy this party called life.

It's not easy being part of this party, but I'm going to have fun with it. I'm going to take those little hiccups and celebrate them. I am going to throw confetti for the moments that require some extra attention.

So if you read this blog today, take this with you.....you have a choice of what you do. You GET to do something.

It's a bloody hell.

Ok moms. More specifically moms with pre-teen/teenage daughters!!!!

I need you. I need you like a sprinkle needs a chocolate covered doughnut. It's that bad. I'm not exaggerating.

My sweet sweet quiet little 11 year old I believe is getting ready to have the change. You know what I'm talking about. Crossing that rainbow bridge over into becoming a little lady.

Oh the past few days have been raging and emotional. Life is unfair, I'm unfair, dad is unfair. And the yelling then the tears and yelling while in tears. Plus the constant belly aches and headaches. I'm afraid I'm going to go bald with frustration!

So mom's out there I need advice for the following:
1. How do you talk to your (step)daughter about the changes?

2. How do you survive this without you, yourself, losing your mind?